Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
