i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
