i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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