my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
