Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
