Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
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