I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
