On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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