Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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