I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
