I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
