you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
