I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You've changed since you got that strap on
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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