I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
