it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
