Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
