Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
