If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
