My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Randomize
