shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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