R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
