I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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