Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
