So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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