i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Randomize
