There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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