I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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