why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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