You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
