Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Randomize
