well I can't set my house on fire every night
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
