def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Two words: blizzard sex
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
