She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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