is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
