honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
