i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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