So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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