I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
