it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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