u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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