I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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