So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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