I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
