If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
