he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
