please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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