You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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