I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
She bit a glass in half.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
