i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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