I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
